Written by Kelley Sekulov
Coming of age far too young brought the titan into my life.
“Anything else?” I wondered, being listed off the many symptoms PTSD hosts. I quickly learned to stop asking that question. Many go abroad to war to acquire this special chemistry.
I stayed home.
Shortly after my diagnosis — or was it before?— I tried to die. It wasn’t like the movies. I put on my favorite music, my favorite clothes, I bought my favorite snacks and drinks, and I swallowed 100 sleeping pills. It became the best thing I never succeeded in. Failure meant I had a choice: die, or live. Whatever I’d commit to must be irrevocable. I wanted to live, and I wanted to live *well.* I had no idea how, but my attempt led me to some extraordinary truths among them being: Time is not linear and everything you experience is *for* you.
I became obsessed with living after that. I read all I could get my hands on concerning trauma — my titan— and how it occupies space inside of and adjacent the human body.
I continued onward, studying human emotions and felt many of them for the first time as an adult.
“Pain is a great teacher of mankind. Beneath its breath, souls develop.” -Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach
I’m unraveling and harnessing the Titan I unraveled and discovered myself, an equally Herculean effort. The secret? I am the titan. She is me and I her. We live with one another more intimately than any other relationship could or would afford. The pieces of my former life that were deemed unmanageable became the best part of me and remain so to this day.
Always a mover, it’s no wonder I took to the pole industry, performance, and rolling around on the floor as all of us do in this happy community. My movement has always made me feel connected. Looking back, dancing was the only time I forgot about my limits and the only time I suppose, that I subconsciously and secretly knew I was always that great beast.
My studies of my body-mind, history, and pain inevitably led me to pluck the new emotions I had learned out of thin air and infuse them into my dance.
Immense power came from this unified front and from that earth, Dark Matter was born. I now have the unique opportunity to teach others to unite with that powerful Titan who’s been there all along.
We are not often told we can use our unsavory experiences to our *benefit* rather the opposite. But the Titan does not manage, she masters. In exploring our limits through movement, and displaying our raw humanity for others to see, we are all making this profound life more meaningful. We are putting on display that time is not linear, that similar experiences come here and go again to teach us at the very least, that we are not alone, that our thoughts and emotions are shared, joys and triumphs.
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