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Authenticity, honesty, transparency. Words associated with this month’s Pole Dancing Bloggers Association Blog Hop theme. One deep, deep breath, and here goes.

  1. I’ll start off with one that’s good and shallow. I have loose skin on my stomach, left over from weight loss and my 40-something inelastic skin, and it drives me to distraction. I fixate on it, and I hate it.
  2. My fear of being “less than” is the singlemost significant psychological issue I struggle against. This fear has deep roots and I fear (oooh, fear of the fear) I may never fully shake it. Once upon a time, my everyday life was filled with eggshells to walk on, and so I strove for perfection in all things. To this day, if I am not perfect … laugh with me at that statement, because believe me I know how idiotic it is … I become utterly riddled with anxiety that I will be put aside for someone who is.
  3. I have had two miscarriages in the past year and a half, and I’m pretty sure those were my only chances at ever having kids the old-fashioned way. Other options are still on the table … but I feel tremendously let down by my body, which is otherwise healthy and fit. I never really wanted children before. Now I do. And I feel betrayed by my own eggs.
  4. When I get overwhelmed my very strong instinct is to pull the covers over my head and wait for everything to pass. For obvious reasons, this is not a viable solution. But it takes superhuman effort on my part to act. Paralysis by analysis, I’ve got it, a bad case. See point #2 for some backstory on this little gem of a trait. Do nothing, and you won’t do anything that’s imperfect. Get it?
  5. I still cry for my heart cat, who died in 2002. Right now, thinking of her, I am tearing up.
  6. I haven’t told my parents that I pole dance. I’m an almost-43-year-old woman who fears what her parents will think. I wonder if I’m just not giving them enough credit for being the incredible people they are … I tell myself that I should tell them. They are loving, generous, kind human beings and they’ve been the best of parents. But I can’t bring myself to do it, and I feel awful for keeping it from them when it is such a huge, joyful influence in my life.
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